Truli Fruli Hot Sauce

Makes 5 bottles of sauce

15 Scotch Bonnet chilis
1 onion
1 carrot
5 cloves of garlic
6 or 7 tomatoes
1 bottle fruity malt drink (Barbican will do)
100ml cider vinegar
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar

1. Chop up your onion, carrot and garlic and sweat down in a large frying pan (15 minutes is ample).
2. Transfer the onion/carrot/garlic into the biggest saucepan you've got.
3. Roughly chop your tomatoes and cook them out for a bit in the frying pan (5-10 mins to soften them up a bit). Transfer to the big saucepan.
4. Transfer all the chilis to the big pan.
5. Pour the malt beverage into the big pan. Add the vinegar, 1 tablespoon of salt and 1 tablespoon of sugar.
6. Blitz it all in a liquidiser or in the pan with a hand blender. What you want is a consistency slightly runnier than tomato ketchup, but you're going to sieve this so you'll need to judge for yourself. This should give you about a 5 bottles of sauce after sieving but there's gonna be some trial and error.
7. Once it's blitzed it's time to taste. It's going to be mental hot, but that's the point. There's no point doing all this if you make something akin to chili sauce, it should make your face sweat. But be aware, unsieved is a lot hotter than sieved because it still has all the white pithy membrane that holds some of the heat. Add salt and sugar to try and get a balanced flavour, don't let one dominate (although heat obviously will).
8. Stick a sieve over a measuring/pouring jug and ladle in the sauce and work it through the sieve with the bottom of the ladle, repeat until all the sauce is gone. You'll be left with some toxic sludge in the pan that I'm yet to figure out a use for. Practical jokes probably.
9. Fill up your bottles. You are now in the hot sauce business.

Garlic Cheese Pretzels

Yeast

1½ cups warm water, 45°C

1½ tablespoon active dry yeast

Dry ingredients

1 teaspoon sea salt
1 tablespoon sugar
4 cups unbleached all-purpose flour

¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
½ teaspoon granulated garlic
½ cup grated parmesan cheese
2 eggs
3 cups grated sharp cheddar
½ cup flour for work surface

2 tablespoons milk

Sprinkle
½ teaspoon poppy seeds
½ teaspoon sesame seeds
1 teaspoon dehydrated onion flakes
1 teaspoon kosher salt

1. Preheat the oven to 220°C.
2. In a glass measuring cup, add the warm water and the yeast. Stir and let sit for 10 minutes.
3. In a food processor fitted with a dough blade, add the dry ingredients and the parmesan and pulse together 3 times at 5 second intervals.
4. Add in 1 egg and the warm water and yeast mixture. Mix until the dough comes together, pulse for 10 second intervals 3 times.
5. Turn out onto a lightly floured work surface or cutting board. Knead 10 to 12 times, adding a little flour, if sticky. Cut the dough in half and set aside.
6. Roll out 1 piece of dough to a 12 by 17-inch rectangle, about ¼ inch thick. Sprinkle ¾ cup of the cheddar in the middle (short way). Fold ⅓ of the dough over, and sprinkle with ¾ cup of the cheddar. Fold the last ⅓ over and pinch the edges closed. Roll with a rolling pin to form an 11 by 15-inch rectangle.
7. Cut into ½-inch lengthwise strips. Pinch the cut edges together and then roll into cigar shape.
8. Form into a pretzel shape and put on a baking sheet lined with a baking mat. Repeat with second ball of dough.
9. Beat the remaining egg and the milk in a small bowl. Mix well. Brush the formed pretzels with the egg mixture and then sprinkle evenly with the poppy seeds, sesame seeds, onion flakes and kosher salt.
10. Bake until nicely browned, about 16 to 18 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool. Serve warm or room temperature.